...I smoked hookah
for the first time last night.
The flavor was white
peach, but I didn't taste
much.
I thought I'd feel something more
get some kind of high or tingle
seeing that it's the first
thing I've ever smoked.
I don't really see
what people get out of it
But I guess it doesn't matter.
It was nice sitting there
with three other men
singing along to Pointer Sisters
"Automatic"
and SOS Band's
"Take Your Time"
That night, I sat there
thinking about the differences between
sex and friendship
sex and intimacy
and sex and love
what did it all mean?
what did love even mean?
You see,
earlier that day, I lost
someone I loved.
Someone I gave my heart to
many times over
and I told myself
that I didn't have it in me
to do it anymore
I was let go
abandoned
again
after I was promised
that I'd never be hurt again
after I was promised
so many things.
I was failed again
but it could be my own fault
for allowing the scorpion to lead
this beautiful virgin away from
her reeds, luring her
to a cold barren cave
where she was stung repeatedly
and killed
for the fourth time in three years.
And this time
that beautiful virgin
may as well as be dead.
dead to herself
for being so foolish
So it's clear
that it's time for a real change
a real step forward
and last night
with the guys,
I decided to let go of my inhibitions
step by step.
I was always one to say
"I'd never do this or I'd never do that..."
and be so very proud to have such a high
moral compass.
But recently I've found that
we build ourselves and our loved ones
way too high and when we/they make a mistake
everything comes falling apart,
sorry makes no difference when it should
and everything is in disaster.
So last night
I flew down from my pedestal
and noticed for the first time that the mess
isn't all that messy
and when viewed up close
there are so many beautiful elements
that would make a person so strong and
stunning
when pieced back together.
And it's now that I truly believe
that a man is most beautiful
when he shows and accepts his vulnerability.
and so my cracks are here on display
to remind myself of how I should be treated
how I should be loved.
I want things to change
to be better
to be stronger
to let it fly
and know that everything will be well
And last night
that puff of white
peach
made me feel human
for the first time
in three months
before that, I broke my own rule
of never being intimate with someone
unless we were in a committed relationship
and it felt so good
to free myself and give into desire
give into someone else that was so beautiful
and could organically melt into me
folding into one another
like perfection
And I want that feeling again
but from someone who means it...
