One day I am going to be a father
and I will be the best dad!
Thanksgiving dinner was nice
calm, relaxing
family and friends
and a little new one
joined us
Her name is Bailey
my sweet baby cousin.
She's three now
and it was the third time
we'd met.
Before the dinner began
Her father, Barry
stepped out to pick up some cognac
He said bye to his little girl,
kissed her forehead
and left her watching
Mickey Mouse Christmas on her tablet.
He had no instructions for us in regard to her...
....
I guess since we're all family he figured
that she'd be safe from harm; which she would be
but he still should have told one of us to simply
look after her.
Anyhow, after he left,
I stepped up and assumed a short role
as "guardian"
I told her that her dad will be right back and
if there was anything she needed then she could ask me,
Papa T
She immediately held out her arms for me to pick her up.
I did.
and she wrapped her arms around my neck
and said she was thirsty and hungry.
In some crevice of the pantry, I found a sippy cup
for her to drink some juice
and gave her a small snack before dinner.
We sat on the couch and watched Mickey Christmas
She was so happy and fixated on the cartoon
filled with so much joy and innocence.
It reminded me of when I was a child
and I wondered if my own memories were of complete joy.
For the most part, yes.
But growing up, there was a big fear I dealt with
My father
selfish, sociopath, abuser
someone who never took responsibility
someone who was not a man
But a coward, an emotional thief
and a runner.
He disappeared on my siblings and I a few times
and hurt my mother
many times over.
At a young age I tuned him out
and ignored his presence.
But was always in fear of him...
up until recently actually
when I "came out" to him.
Now I just see him as a sad
pathetic person.
My mother tried to wait for him to change,
but we all know (and I was reminded of this recently)
That
people are not capable of change.
Some of us are just born different.
It's simple. It's true.
"Love" can only do so much
and come to think of it, if anyone has it in them
to hurt you...then they don't love you
they don't even know how to love themselves.
they don't even know how to love themselves.
...
Sitting with Bailey,
this revelation of joy and happiness
opened my eyes
to letting a lot of pain
and disappointment go
and to open my heart to good people
who may want to do right by me.
...
Bailey's father returned within an hour
but she stayed by my side for the night.
Even though it was for such a brief time,
looking after her made me feel good,
strong and responsible
and I'm grateful
for my time with her
and I'm grateful
for my time with her
I've always wanted to be a dad
and I look forward to the day when
I can be one.
a damn good one!
